All Talk and No Action
by Mary B. Wolf
Summary: All-dialogue fics. Number four: First Time "Y'know, I seem to recall we were doing something before you decided to insult me." "Right. Amazing. You're much better at this when you're drunk."
1. Good Morning

So, I've had this sitting on my hard drive for a long while, and I've decided to create a new home for my all-dialouge fics. I'm not sure if I like the ending to this or not. But, since I can't come up with a better one, this'll have to do.

Also, the concept is not an original one - neither the all-dialouge nor the "morning after" - and I would like to mention "Mornings and Mirrors" by oneperfectfit. To avoid being accused of plagiarism.

XOXO  
--Wolfie-lou

P.S. I don't own Naruto and co.

* * *

"Ahhh! What the bloody _hell_ do you think you're doing?!"

"Uh…sleeping? Or I was, since, you know, we didn't get there until the wee hours of this morning?"

"Urg! No, idiot, why are you even in my bed in the first place—and where are your clothes? Ah! Where are my clothes?"

"I believe most of them are in the living room and hallway. That's pretty much where all this started, after—"

"What was that sound?"

"That loud rumbling?"

"Yes, that loud rumbling! What else?"

"Probably from one of the people who are passed out on your living room floor. A lot of your friends snore."

"... so how many people know we slept together?"

"Probably too many, if total secrecy is what you're aiming for. And there was no sleeping."

"Bastard!"

"... ow... why are you hitting me? I thought you enjoyed yourself - ow - ow - ow... stop that... you're really hurting me... "

"Quit whining! Jackass! You didn't drink nearly as much as I did! Get - out - _now_!"

"You always did like to overemphasize your words with your fists, Sakura. Which is why I'm now covered in bruises... ow! Dammit, stop!"

"Let me go!"

"No. Stop yelling. There's a chance no one _does_ know but if you keep shouting, you'll wake them up and then they _will_."

"... stupid logic. Fine, I'll stop yelling, but you are still leaving."

"... but I'm naked... and my clothes are... out... there... with them... "

"Then maybe you should have thought of that _before_ you took them off. Besides, you're the quietest man I know, and you're not a ninja for nothing, Kakashi. You'll survive."

"Actually, _you_ took my clothes off. And you're the toughest woman I know. You'll survive if I do this..."

"..."

"Was that a yelp? Did Sakura-chan just _yelp_?"

"... no...How could you just kiss me!"

"Ah... and now my ass is cold and in pain... and on your floor."

"Then maybe you shouldn't have fallen on it... moron."

"My ass or the floor?"

"Both."

"I didn't fall, anyway. You shoved me—onto both. It's really cold down here, you know."

"Then find your clothes and use them to get warm."

"Can I at least get a sheet to cover myself?"

"No."

"..."

"Give that back! That's my sheet, you bastard!"

"And now it's covering _my_ lower half... unless you want to see my lower half? No? Well, then - stop throwing things - use that blanket to cover up with."

"... stop smirking like that."

"Like what?"

"Don't act all innocent, either, Kakashi."

"Innocent? No, really, smirking like what?"

"Like you know something I don't."

"Oh, but don't I?"

"Stop being cryptic and innocent and smirky! Gah! You're maddening!"

"You really shouldn't pull your hair so much - "

"Yaaaaahhhhh!"

"... Sakura, put the knife down and let's discuss this like rational adults."

"Tell. Me. What. You. Know."

"You shouldn't grind your teeth, either. You'll wear down the enamel."

"..."

"I'll be able to tell you quicker if I didn't have to dodge weapons every other second."

"..."

"Thank you. Now. You might want to shower up quick, and quite possibly burn your bed, before Akamaru comes a-sniffing with Kiba behind him. They'll be able to smell the sex in this room, and they'll know who had it."

"..."

"If your yelling and screaming hasn't alerted the entire village by now."

"..."

"You're adorable when you're homicidally angry, you know."

"..."

"..."

"Why aren't you out of my bedroom yet?"

"Why haven't you forced me out of your bedroom yet?"

"See those weapons in the walls? That was pretty much my hint."

"Really? I thought you just wanted to castrate me."

"... that too... "

"Well, thanks for having terrible aim."

"I don't aim that badly."

"Quick question before I leave."

"Quick. And then leave."

"On a scale of one to ten, ten being Gai getting a girlfriend and one being Asuma smoking, how weird was waking up next to me?"

"... it wasn't so much the waking up next to you part as it was the whole _being_ _naked_ and waking up next to you part... "

"..."

"..."

"... well? One to ten."

"... three-point-seven-five... "

"... three... point... so it wasn't traumatizingly awkward!"

"Kakashi, why are you sealing the door? You're supposed to be walking through it."

"..."

"Kakashi? Kakashi?! Kakashi!"

"What?"

"Why does it look like you're soundproofing my room?"

"Because I am."

"... okay... why?"

"So we don't wake the others."

"_We_ don't have to worry about that. _You_ are leaving. Now."

"But we have to find a way to get rid of the awkwardness. Especially if we plan on doing this again."

"I don't."

"Even the best-made plans go awry."

"..."

"Well, good morning, Sakura-chan!"

"... I hate you."

"Nah. Never. Now... let me do this again. And try not to shove me off the bed?"

"... fine. But you'll get this back!"

"That's an even trade... "

"... oh! Good morning, Kakashi!"


	2. Over the Hill

Double-post! Woo! A happy (belated) birthday to Kakashi. I had a different story planned for a present for him, but this was on my hard drive with the last one, and (even though it's nearly a month late), celebrate.

Dun own Naruto.

XO  
--Wolfie-lou

* * *

"Congratulations, sensei! You're officially over the hill!"

"Hm…thought 'over the hill' was forty."

"Well, I haven't even hit twenty yet, so what do I know, right? Anyway, happy birthday."

"Thanks, Sakura-chan. When's the party?"

"There's no party."

"They say that every year. When and where?"

"No, really, Kakashi-sensei, there's no party."

"Then why are you grinning?"

"I'm not—"

"You are. You're grinning like a cat with a mouse."

"…What?"

"Why?"

"Why what, sensei?"

"Why are you grinning?"

"Because there's no party, and you're convinced that there is."

"They say there's no party every year, and every year they come up with crazier schemes to kidnap and blindfold me in order to drag me to a bar and force me to celebrate another year of not dying—"

"Fine. If there's a party, I had nothing to do with it. All I have is a present for you."

"Oh?"

"Not until later, sensei."

"…"

"…And wipe that look off your face."

"What look?"

"Like you're thinking something dirty."

"…"

"I said _stop_, sensei."

"…I honestly have no idea what you're talking about, Sakura."

"Sure you don't."

"…"

"You're so infuriating sometimes, you know. I have to go. I have a shift at the hospital. I'll see you later."

"Later, Sakura."

--

"I was told there wasn't a party."

"Yes, you were."

"I was told by _you_ that there wasn't a party."

"Yes, you were."

"I was told by you that there wasn't a party, but if there was a party, that you had nothing to do with it."

"Yes, you were."

"…And now you're abducting me."

"Yes, I am."

"…Is the blindfold necessary?"

"Yes, it is."

"I already know where we're going."

"Still necessary. Put it on and there will be a lot less bloodshed."

"…"

"…Sensei, I'm serious."

"…"

"…Sensei…"

"And the ropes? What if I go willingly?"

"…You, willingly going to your birthday party? I was told you would try to sweet-talk your way out of this. It is _not_ working."

"…I haven't even _started_ sweet-talking, Sakura-chan."

"…"

"…Seriously. If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't."

"And yet you always end up bound and gagged in a corner with Genma and Asuma and Gai—when he's not busy trying to keep the sake away from Lee—dumping drinks down your throat until you're too bombed to walk on your own and thus escape."

"…"

"…"

"…Yes…"

"…Mmm…fascinating. Now. Let's go."

"I'm not going to get beat up by my old student."

"You won't. I'm not going to hurt you unless you give me reason to."

"I'm not going to get bullied by my old _female_ student."

"Your old _female_ student who could punch you through the Hokage Monument."

"…"

"And then refuse to fix you."

"…"

"And make sure nobody else fixes you."

"…"

"Sensei, can we go now?"

"…No."

"What if I give you your birthday present before we go? Will you go without a hassle and stay until everyone else has either passed out on the floor or gone home and passed out?"

"…What is it?"

"…I'm not telling. Yes or no."

"…I have this horrible feeling like I'm going to either seriously regret what happens next or I'm not going to want to ever get rid of it."

"Yes or no, sensei."

"…Yes. But I can't say I'll stay."

"Then you'll only get part of it."

"…There's more than one part?"

"…Uhh…"

"…Sakura…?"

"…Ummm…"

"Sakura, I don't think I've ever seen anyone turn that particular shade of red before."

"…Uhn…there's about three parts."

"Hmm…that's interesting. Give me the first part."

"…Close your eyes."

"No."

"Then you're not getting it…"

"…Sakura, you're turning purple now."

"Just close your eyes!"

"Hmph…fine."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Where'd you learn to kiss like that?!"

"…Umm…"

"…Sakura."

"Hmm?"

"I asked you a question."

"Oh."

"…"

"…Well, d'you remember those Icha Icha books of yours coming up missing a few months ago?"

"…You're only sixteen."

"Which is why I stole them from you in the first place! Nobody would let me buy them."

"…They do stuff like that for a reason."

"I was curious. I borrowed a few."

"…"

"But I put them back!"

"…"

"…And I…took…really good care of them…?"

"…You stole my whole collection."

"…Yeah…"

"…So you learned to kiss from stealing and reading my Icha Icha books? Did you practice on anyone?"

"…No…"

"…"

"Stop looking at me like that…"

"…Like what?"

"Like you're wondering if I learned anything else…"

"Did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Learn anything else?"

"…Like I'd tell you…"

"…You will."

"…"

"…We're not making it to the bar…"

"…We're not?"

"…Nope. I'm gonna have my own private party right here."

"Oh? Well, then. Don't let me keep you, sensei."

"You aren't."

"…Oh?"

"You're part of it."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Not bad for someone who's over the hill, eh?"

"…You're right."

"Oh?"

"We're not making it to the bar."

"…I'm always right."

"…You know…it's amazing I can even fit in your apartment right now."

"How so? You might think so, but you're actually not fat."

"Thanks, but no, that's not what I meant. Your ego needs an apartment of its own."

"Mmm. _That_ must be why I haven't had neighbors in years."

"Mmm."

"…"

"…I did learn a lot from Icha Icha, actually."

"You are so my kind of girl."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Again—not bad for someone who's over the hill, right?"

"Mmm…thought forty was over the hill."

"…"

"But yes. Not bad for someone over the hill. Sensei."

* * *

About the ages--her being so young kinda pushes the limit with me. I usually go for a little older--seventeen or eighteen--but...this was what I had to work with, for obvious reasons--because, yes, I could have altered the age gap, but as a general rule, I dislike the idea of AU. It sort of defeats the purpose of fanfiction.

Love comments.


	3. Bets, Dates, and Significant Others

"Ten bucks says he screws up."

"I'm not making a bet that stupid, Sakura. It's Naruto, for the love of God, of course he's going to screw up."

"Fine."

"Your betting skills are about as good as Tsunade's."

"That…! How could you say that?!"

"Oh, don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Pout like that. Makes me want to do things I shouldn't."

"At home. We didn't spend all day coaching Naruto to miss this."

"…"

"…"

"They look really nervous."

"Stop laughing! It's their first date. It's only natural that they're nervous—oh look, that's so sweet! He made Hinata smile."

"Mmm…"

"He definitely likes her. Boy, does this take me back…"

"To where?"

"Don't snort like that. You look like a goat."

"Back where, really. And…I've been compared to worse things."

"When we were genin and tripping over our crushes and we'd do anything to get their attention. I would fawn over Sasuke and fight with Ino, and Hinata would turn red just thinking about Naruto, while Kiba had to keep from tearing him apart because he was just so _oblivious_ and he loved Hinata. And then Ino developed and Choji fell in love with her. Thank God that was temporary, though. Temari, from a _foreign_ village, fell for Shikamaru. Then there was TenTen and Neji—and Lee, who still makes me shudder…"

"…And drove all your sensei mad…"

"…Naruto used to be so in puppy love with me…"

"Yeah…I used to really hate all three of you…"

"…"

"Don't give me that look."

"No sex for a week."

"…You're cruel."

"Aiming for two?"

"Oh, look! Food's here!"

"…"

"…"

"…Naruto eats like a boar. Did nothing we told him stick?"

"Probably. Naruto, remember?"

"Seriously! Everything—in one ear and out the other! Why did we bother?"

"Guys always mess up first dates."

"Really? I hadn't noticed. Since, y'know, ours when _so_ perfectly."

"…Not my fault Gai let Lee have sake…"

"No, but you certainly were the one who threw him into a wall."

"Self-defense."

"The next day."

"I fixed the building."

"Genjutsu does not constitute 'fixed,' Kakashi."

"Wasn't genjutsu."

"So you forced your genin team to fix the building?"

"It got fixed, didn't it?"

"You're imposs—they're moving."

"I _can_ see with just one eye, you know."

"Let's go then."

"Sasuke and Ino are outside, aren't they? They can take over until we finish."

"I doubt that. They probably don't remember where they are; Ino's almost definitely got her tongue shoved down Sasuke's throat again. I have no idea how they haven't suffocated each other yet."

"Don't remind me."

"Of the time we found them in our linen closet? Yeah, no problem. I'm _still_ having nightmares, thanks. How'd they manage to fit in there? The shelves go all the way to the door…"

"No…I'd almost forgotten that, actually. I was thinking more of the time at Genma's party when we forgot to lock the door and they decided to share a room."

"Oh. Yeah. You never did finish what you started that night."

"…Trauma will do that to a person…"

"Where _are_ they going?"

"Who?"

"…How did you make jonin, again?"

"You know why…"

"Don't use that tone. Not in public."

"You're right. There are children about. If you react the way you normally do, you'll give them nightmares."

"Two weeks."

"…Cruel woman…"

"I heard that."

"…Damn."

--

"Naruto-kun?"

"Yeah?"

"W-where are you t-taking m-me?"

"You'll see, Hinata-chan. Just wait."

"I'm a little worried about this."

"Don't be. I wouldn't hurt you."

"I know."

"Just trust me, Hinata-chan."

--

"Ino, that's them. Remove your hands."

"What if I don't want to?"

"I'll remove them for you."

"Aw, Sasuke-kun, you're no fun today."

"We have a mission today, Ino."

"Not technically."

"Are you sick of Naruto hanging around with us all the time as the third wheel?"

"Yeah."

"Then we have a mission today, Ino."

"…You're still no fun…"

"Remove your—ah—hands, Ino! Can't you wait—oh—until we're—huh—home?!"

"You like it."

"Home."

"Isn't that Kakashi-sensei and Sakura right there? They get to do the work, remember? They know how we are; they've caught us enough times."

"Like that time when you decided to try and rape me in someone's living room?"

"Genma's party. _We_ barged in on _them_."

"…"

"And when you tried that Sharingan trick on me in their linen closet."

"…"

"Then there was that time in the park, and then in our office…the list goes on."

"It seems to me that we walk in on them or they walk in on us. And it's not my fault you're permanently horny, Ino."

"It takes two to tango, buddy, and you are certainly an active participant."

"…"

"So, yes, it _is_ your fault."

--

"_Where_ are they _going_?!"

"There's no need to wail. I'm right here."

"Shut _up_, Kakashi. I _know_ I don't have to wail, but we've been walking for_ever_ and my feet are tired…!"

"I'm the only reason you're allowed to moan, Sakura, so don't do that either."

"You pervert."

"All the things you do behind closed doors and _I'm_ the pervert?"

"'Behind closed doors' implies secrecy; I expect it to stay that way."

"You don't have to threaten. I know if I ever told about your second wardrobe, you'd burn it, along with its inspiration, _and_ remove a few key pieces of my body."

"Don't ever forget that, Hatake."

"Of course not, Hatake."

"Remind me why I married you?"

"It's because I'm great in bed."

"…Stop smirking."

"Yes, ma'am."

"And don't salute. You look ridiculous."

--

"D'you like it?"

"Oh, Naruto-kun, it's beautiful!"

"Heehee…yeah. I come here to relax and train."

"The river…I don't think I've seen water so clear in a long time."

"I swim in it a lot. Do you want to? It's really cold."

"I d-don't know…maybe just dip my feet…"

"You don't mind if I swim?"

"N-no, g-go ahead."

"Are you sure you won't join me? It's really sticky today."

"I'll wade a bit."

"You just want to ogle me, Hinata-chan. It's okay, you can admit it."

"…"

"…Hinata-chan?"

--

"That idiot…he made her pass out on their first date."

"I can see that, Sasuke."

"I know, Ino."

"Then why are you telling me?"

"To make conversation so you'll _remove your hands from my pants."_

"You like it."

"Not in a tree in the middle of the woods, I don't."

"Where's your sense of adventure, Sasuke-kun?"

"I killed it years ago."

"…"

--

"Naruto, that doofus."

"…"

"What the _hell_ are you laughing so hard about?"

"Did…you…hear what he…said?"

"No."

"He told her she could admit it if she only wanted to ogle him."

"…I am so going to beat him senseless tomorrow morning."

"Nah, he seems to be handling it well."

--

"Your face is really red right now, Hinata-chan."

"…"

"It's only getting worse. I'm going to put you in the water. Sakura-chan mentioned something about that—when someone gets red like this, you want to cool them down—"

"N-no."

"Owww. Stop fighting so hard, Hinata-chan! I have to get you cooled off!"

"P-put me down, Naruto."

"I have to—"

"I'll walk. Put me d-down."

--

"Hinata is _wild_. She scratched the hell out of him! Did you see that?"

"…Probably better than you did…"

"…Better…?"

"Never underestimate the Sharingan, Yamanaka. Now that you're unconscious I'm taking you home."

--

"I can see…wow. Hinata's fierce. I've never seen her do that. Kakashi, you have to check this out! She's going nuts!"

"Impressive. If she'd done that during her fight with Neji, she might have been the Hyuuga Naruto faced."

"Think we should help him? Some of those cuts look bad. Like…_really_ bad."

"Naruto will make it. He's survived worse. Sasuke and Ino are leaving."

"I can feel that. I'm probably more chakra-sensitive than you are."

"Mmmm."

"Stop that."

"…"

"I said two weeks!"

"…"

"Kakashi! Three!"

"…Naruto is going to take Hinata home soon. Hiashi set a curfew. We just have to trail them home."

--

"…"

"I'm so sorry, Naruto-kun! I d-don't know what came ov-ver me! I have some ointment at home—oh, no! Home! What time is it?"

"Umm…it's about…nine-thirty."

"Oh! I have to be home in half an hour!"

"Let's go then. I don't want Hiashi to kill me before I even get to kiss you."

--

"Ohh, that is so _sweet_! He's carrying her home!"

"Only because he embarrassed her into obliviousness again."

"You're a spoilsport."

"You like calling me names, don't you?"

"I have to do something! You always—"

"Sakura, you're turning an _alarming_ shade of purple."

"Shut up."

--

"Hinata-chan, wake up."

"…Where are we?"

"I had to carry you home. You passed out."

"Th-thank you."

"Hehe. Anytime."

"Goodnight, Naruto-kun."

"G'night, Hinata-chan."

"…"

"…"

"Oh, wait! Stay here for a minute, Naruto-kun! I'll get that ointment for your scratches!"

"No, no. They're fine. I want my good-night kiss."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Can I have another date, Hinata-chan? Maybe a movie?"

"S-sure, Naruto-kun. Goodnight."

* * *

Still not _The Promise_--I haven't even started that yet--but I've had the beginning of this floating around for months. It's definitely long, and I apologize for that. Hope you liked it.

I neither own nor claim to own _Naruto_ or anything associated with _Naruto_. This is written purely for entertainment purposes and I make no profit from it.


	4. First Time

"Last time we did this, you had had so much to drink it's amazing those _around_ you didn't die from alcohol poisoning just from watching you. Honestly, I have no idea why the bartender didn't cut you off."

"I could have killed him with a look."

"Oh, please. You couldn't have controlled that thing as drunk as you were."

"Are you challenging my alcohol tolerance, young lady?"

"And if I am, old man?"

"Contest. Nine tonight. Pub Kunai. I will be handing you your ass on a silver platter."

"Gawd, you sound like Gai."

"..."

"Don't glare like that. Besides, you won't be able to find your _own_ ass by the time I'm finished, let alone mine."

"Cocky little thing. Besides, I will always be able to find your ass. It's too cute to miss."

"Consider my shishou, you pervert."

"..."

"She sees building alcohol tolerance as a critical part of kunoichi training - and mine, specifically. Twice a week from the time I turned fourteen, we drank building my tolerance."

"...Fourteen?"

"Oh, fun times."

"...Fourteen?"

"..."

"...Fourteen?"

"Yes. Fourteen. Is there a problem?"

"I at least had the decency to wait until I was sixteen to start drinking."

"..."

"...Op...en...ly..."

"Wait, wait, wait - decency? You were decent once?"

"I'm never decent where you're concerned."

"Letch."

"You love it."

"I love _you_. There's a difference."

"Y'know, I seem to recall we were doing something before you decided to insult me."

"Right. It's rather awe-inspiring. You're much better at this when you're drunk - "

"Sakura..."

"I'm kidding, Kakashi. You're great no matter your blood alcohol content."

"Okay, if we might continue? Now, you pull this back and - "

"I have done this before, you know. Actually, you were the first person I did it with."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Aren't you happy?"

"I would never have guessed you hadn't done that before. You did it so well - and you said you weren't sore after?"

"Not at all. I'd watched people doing it for years, so I talked to them about how to prepare. Stretches, which moves to avoid for the first time..."

"You watched people?! Oh, you're a voyeur! Wait'll everyone finds out!"

"Moron. The people you want to gossip to are the ones who taught me."

"Which friends?"

"Genma and Shizune for one - at their wedding. They were... spectacular. They way they moved perfectly together."

"I'll - kill - "

"Kakashi, I said you were my first, didn't I?"

"You... did... were you telling me the truth?"

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm a compulsive liar. Undiagnosed, of course. My doctor won't believe me because I keep lying to him about my symptoms."

"Ha. Ha."

"Geez, lighten up, you old fuddy-duddy, and learn to take a joke."

"I can take a joke, Sakura, that just wasn't very funny."

"Yeesh. No more pranks on the Copy Ninja. His poor old sense of humor is failing."

"..."

"Stop glaring. Anyway, yes, you were my first. Don't you feel so special?"

"Hmph."

"Yep, my first dance partner. Even though you were blind drunk at the time, it was still a - _maz_ - ing."

* * *

Pervs. I know what y'all were thinking. XP But nope. And actually, it wasn't dance when I started, it had something to do with weapons training. Ah, well.

Yet again, I'm not working on what I'm supposed to be working on. The first chapter of a new piece, titled _Maid Sakura_ is up on my page, and the first chapter of a collab with Li Michal is in the works and almost finished. It will be posted on her page; I'll provide a link for everyone when it's done.

Feedback is much appreciated, even if it's just in the form of, "You suck, go die."

All credit for _Naruto_ goes to its owners, which are not me.

XO


End file.
